elle_o_v_e4eva

Hello, it's May

I passed all my April exams and even scored a 1 (highest possible grade) on the latest one. I only made one mistake.

In other news, I've had a bit of a crush on one of my schoolmates. I usually go off on my own during break time, but, the other day, I saw some of my unit-mates hanging out together outside, and since the weather was so beautiful and I was feeling sociable, I came up to them to join. I've done this before just once so it's not really anything new. I noticed that my crush seemed uncomfortable with my presence for some reason though... and then when we somehow got left on our own, he quickly tried to make an excuse to leave. I shrugged and thought I'd just head back to the classroom but we ended up going in the same direction, and he tried to avoid me then too. His behavior was...odd. My immediate thought was that maybe he sensed that I had a crush on him, and since he didn't feel that way about me, he thought it better to avoid being around me or one-on-one's with me. It dawned on me that he only ever talked to me about class stuff, too. Or worse---he doesn't want to be seen with me because he thinks I'm a loser. (He's one of those popular, cool guys.) I have a crush on him, yes, but I haven't flirted with him or anything like that, and I don't like him enough to the point that I think about him outside of school, or think about pursuing anything with him. Still, it really hurts when you're being blatantly avoided by someone you like. I mean, damn, I thought we were at least cool, you know? I just took it as a hint, that maybe I'm being too friendly, or I've misread his politeness for friendliness and thought we were cool, and that I should back off. So that's what I did. I avoided looking at him, addressing him directly (when I have to talk to him, I talk to the whole group instead of him, stuff like that), and I avoided spending any extra time around him. He seemed to have noticed... I'm kind of dreading that he might've thought my reaction was childhish. I really hope not. But I want to make it clear that I don't have that kind of intention with him, and he seemed uncomfortable by me just being friendly, then it's better this way.

I was really hurt the day it happened, to the point that I started tearing up because it was so embarassing, but at least I didn't like him that much to begin with, so thinking back on it now, it didn't seem like such a big deal. There's a different guy in class who seems to be into me and I was contemplating putting distance between us so I don't give him false hope, but this experience made me realise how shitty it'd make him feel, so I won't do that anymore. I'll just act naturally. Besides, perhaps, just like me, although he might have a crush on me, maybe he doesn't like me enough to do anything about it too.

In other news, one of my schoolmates shared that he got his certification as an official fire fighting support (sorry, it's hard to translate it to English), and also, I found out that he's a "local politician" as well (again, weird translation). Basically he takes part in meetings and finding solutions for our city and I'm assuming they formulate and pass forward any bigger problems to the state government. My guy really made us all feel so aimless and useless.................I really want to ask him how he got started with all that because I kinda wanna join, but I'm too shy to ask. I already wasted my entire little spring break doing nothing, and I'm wasting this first of May doing nothing too. I want to be involved with my city somehow. I just want to contribute. I feel so useless for real. It's crazy how I know what I want but I keep finding ways to avoid doing them!!! Hopefully, when I post again, I'll have thought of something by then at least.

My head is such a mess right now, I'm sure I'm forgetting many things. See you next time!

(On a side note, Istg I will get other icons someday)

With this post I planned to renew my resolve and try to refocus again, so, naturally, I've been putting it off.

But guess who's a month behind on her studies?

It all started because I couldn't stand my lecturers for the past almost-three weeks. Their lectures have been so dry. I don't see the point in being in a class if I won't be interacting with others and I'm just being talked at.

And that's where my mind started wandering. Extremely. Mostly to movies and typology. I actually left the typology community last October to focus on my health and studies, and when I check from an alt, I see some of my friends there wondering where I went. I was planning to return in March but it might just end up distracting me in the same way movies have been distracting me lately. I know life shouldn't be all-work-and-no-play but I quite literally don't have the discipline unless I go to extremes. Not to mention, I've been failing miserably at taking care of my nutrition. I'm still mostly eating fruits, vegetables and fish but I'm not getting much meat or variety and I fear I'm ingesting too much mercury from all the mackerel I've been eating.

And then there's the state of my apartment, which isn't even remotely funny. Everyday I tell myself: today I will clean! And everyday I fail to make myself do anything. Lazy, messy, Elle! [Mr. Knightly voice] Badly done, Elle! Badly done!




And so, as you can see, I'm failing left and right!!!

I need to regroup and refocus. The lectures are unfortunately not up to me so I'm just going to have to make the most of it and not be fussy. And I really want to take the qualification exams in extra fields I can get certifications on so my resumé looks better, so I have to find a way to squeeze studying for them in too.

On the brightside, I found out that the important exam I have coming up in less than two months is only economics and management. It's still hard (there's business math on top of everything ) but at least it doesn't involve the other subjects just yet.

'Til next time. Adieu!

I've been thinking of picking up journaling again and the perfect opportunity presented itself

I'm still familiarising myself with the site so I'll clean things up later. Here are what I'm thinking about, otherwise: things I want to do in my free time, outside of school and health.

♡ Get into activism. I plan to narrow down specific things I can realistically do and get into since I want to actually get some results.

♡ Finish the first draft of my personal project. Still in the writing phase though.

♡ Read more. Currently I've just begun with Crime & Punishment by Dostoyevsky.

♡ Hone my communication skills 🗣

These have been what's on my mind 💭